


even though it hurts, i smile/ my smile is extinct

by akutagi



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Feelings, Friendship, Growing Up, Laughter, M/M, Sad, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Smile, Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi Friendship, Unrequited, Weddings, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric, can we tell with the tags where this fics tone is heading, i was almost blocked by my mut because this fic made her that emo . so take that as you will, minimal fluff ... oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:09:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26134747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akutagi/pseuds/akutagi
Summary: “Smile through and persevere!” was what Tadashi had heard when he was little and old when he woke up and went to dream. He tried his hardest to live by that motto and tame his mother’s worries, but the world around him made that a repetitive challenge.---A look into TsukkiYama throughout the years where smiles come in all shapes and shades.TsukkiYama Week 2020 Day 5:laugh|smile|unrequited|hanahaki
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 4
Kudos: 54
Collections: TsukkiYama Week 2020





	even though it hurts, i smile/ my smile is extinct

**Author's Note:**

> buckle up people its gonna be a ride 
> 
> i strongly suggest listening to both of the songs this fic inspired (i smile by day6 and my smile is extinct by kane strang) tho its not really necessary
> 
> also props to @KOSHIWRLD on twt for betareading !!

Baring his teeth and feelings was never a reality for Tadashi Yamaguchi. 

“Smile through and persevere!” was what Tadashi had heard when he was little and old when he woke up and went to dream. He tried his hardest to live by that motto and tame his mother’s worries, but the world around him made that a repetitive challenge. 

Getting shoved on the outside dirt was the best area in Yamaguchi’s young mind to get pushed around. Ideally, there _would_ be no best area, because there would be no bullying to speak of, but Yamaguchi had given up on that plastic hope years ago. At least the dirt left stains on clothes instead of scrapes and scabs like the tarred and batted streets conjured on his arms and legs. 

_‘Buck teeth!’_

_'Look at the brown spots on his teeth and cheeks...’_

_‘Shut up, Tadashi. Who even asked.’_

After weeks, the words dig less and less and the outer wounds heal. After weeks it becomes a routine for the middle schooler. Wake up, wave Mom goodbye, get to school, get tripped in the hallway, take notes, someone takes a part of the lunch Mom packed so neatly, pack up after class, get shoved around, do homework, fall asleep, hope you don’t wake up, shush your alarm clock and repeat. 

Most of the insults are superficial and weak, many just reiterating the same jabs and slashes, but Yamaguchi could and does create more insulting things to say about himself than those bullies do. So, the words don’t mean much most of the time. Keyword: most. 

His backpack sides off his shoulders, unfortunately not helping his fall against the gritty sidewalk. Materials fall out and his lucky pencil rolls away and into the sewer’s slit. Figures as much. 

He tries to get back up and almost makes it to his feet before being kicked from his calves, making his footing unstable. Looking up at the usual suspects, he braces for one of two routes: either one where it's more verbal or one where it's more violent. Tadashi doesn’t wish for either any longer, instead just preparing for both and hopes the group gets bored with him sooner than usual. 

“Look at Lil’ Tadashi, or should we say Tada _shit_.” The leader always starts the attack, clearing a path. The trio laughs to themselves, snickering at the dumb remark he’s heard upwards of three thousand times. 

Whenever Yamaguchi used to tell an adult he was being targeted, they always said to stay silent, and eventually, they would get bored. He always wondered if that was advice for it to stop or if they didn’t want to deal with Tadashi’s persistent face showing up after school hours were finished. Either way, Tadashi took the hits and dealt with the blows, never fighting back or showing much resistance. 

The lankier one on the side spoke up next, hands in his hoodies middle pocket. “We’ve been wondering something, so would you mind giving us the inside?” 

Neither party speaks for a moment. Tadashi almost considered telling them to screw off. He doesn’t, obviously. 

The one on the right pipes in, essentially echoing the sentiment. “Yea, let us in Tadashi. We’re all friends here, hehe.” 

  
They all give each other a look, white rounded teeth during into poison daggers as another plan comes into motion. Tadashi pulls up his hand, expecting a blow to the face, but it’s even worse than a bruised eye or scuffed cheek. They go for his heart and their aim is a bullseye. 

The leader bends down, lowering Yamaguchi’s hand, gripping his sleeve so hard that underneath he’s almost certain it’s bruising. His scowl is masked by a veil of innocence and it terrifies him. “We’ve got a little bet going on, you see. And only you can settle it, you see.” Tadashi holds his breath that’s getting more unsettled and uneven. “Was it your fault or your Ma’s that your Dad is out of the picture?” 

The world gets more muted, his breath grows faster while his blood runs still. He never knew him well when he was there and his mother never speaks of him without getting a look of an emotion Tadashi hasn’t unlocked. How the hell is he supposed to know? And how is this anyone’s business??

“A-Ah, u-uhm-” As he tries to get a single coherent word off his tongue, the three are laughing hysterically, clearly enjoying his stammering. 

“Aw, hey it’s okay. Maybe it’s a bit off both, right? That way we all win the bet.”

“Yo, look! He’s crying!!” 

That one gets a kick out of them, a sign that the point is yet again theirs for the taking, leaving the scoreboard a grueling defeat. He tried to wipe away the tears with his loose long-sleeved arm and can only hope that the rest will stay put until he makes his way back home.

It looks like his interrogators might try to open the once stitched wound more, but instead, an unfamiliar voice comes into the equation, messing up the dynamic and flow. 

A scoff is followed by a “Losers” and if Yamaguchi wasn’t holding back tears, then he might have released them due to laughter and shock. Who did this blond kid think he was and why did Tadashi have a curiosity to find out?

The group shifted their attention instantly, looking at the boy standing in the violet sweatshirt, almost a size too big. The leader took a step away from one victim and towards the next.

“Look, this doesn’t concern you so _screw off_.” In contrast to the antagonizer having clenched white knuckles, the lankier boy’s shoulders were laxed and without a single care. Yamaguchi was fascinated. 

“I’m just confused why a bunch of nobodies is picking on someone who’s obviously going to be a somebody. Care to explain?” His glasses fell down the bridge of his nose, showing how his eyes were cursed with a playful mischief. The little brunette thought they looked mesmerizing.

There was no counterargument, only a kick to Tadashi’s defenseless backpack as the group stalked awkwardly away and out of view.

Finally, the guy in a deep purple made his official debut by dropping down to his knees, helping Yamaguchi catch his footing. Immediately, he slid his hands into the big front pocket, trying to look macho and unbothered at once. It sort of worked, sorta. 

“‘M Tsukishima, but you probably already knew that.” 

Yamaguchi nodded as if he did, although that wasn’t the truth. “Yamaguchi. T-Tadashi Yamaguchi… you didn’t have to do that, by the way.”

The other scooted past and grabbed Yamaguchi’s scruffed backpack, trying to brush parts of dirt off before handing it. “Of course I did. Those are a bunch of Grade 7 Grade A assholes, they deserved to get told off.” He turned to Yamaguchi again, who was stunned that this one kid had so much to say and was strong enough to speak it. “Which way are you walking?” 

Yamaguchi pointed, and Tsukishima’s eyes lit up as if the sun had encapsulated them. “Awesome, me too! C’mon maybe if I show you to my Mom she’ll get off my case that I need to ‘branch out’.”  
  
Tsukishima was two steps ahead of Yamaguchi, both mentally and physically. Catching up, he spoke though shy breaths. “S-Can I-I call my Mom first?!” 

“Sure, we have one at my house, now hurry up before we miss Digimon!” He ran quicker as if his life depended on making this one afternoon show.

Before flinging himself full speed, Yamaguchi wondered to himself, _what am I getting myself into?_

###

It turned out that the two middle schoolers had a few similar traits to them. The fact that they both had a fond spot for volleyball (albeit Yamaguchi’s interest stemmed from Tsukishimas), both had more ‘niche’ interests, both only had a mom around, same classes, and most importantly: both of them liked one another. The two of them soon became intertwined and to the headache of their teacher’s, inseparable. 

They didn’t even notice the other was in their homeroom class until that fated incident. It was a wonderful surprise, to say the least. What was a dreaded reveal was that Tsukishima was unraveling his sight to finally see that Tadashi was bullied inside and outside the walls.

Yamaguchi had hoped he could have kept it hidden, to not let the other know he was that weak and crippled, but life never sways in his favor so why should it now. However, Tsukishima did stand his ground for the other, making the bullies shy away. Never did he look at the victim with eyes of pity or side glances of sympathy, just with loyalty. One where no matter what happened, he’d have the other’s back. 

Yamaguchi smiled wide the moment he registered that.

###

It was no secret that Tsukishima was attractive, at least on the surface to most. Many of the people who ended up liking his best friend never dug deep enough to see the full picture of who Tsukki was. And once you did it was hard to develop feelings for anyone else, this Yamaguchi learned from experience. 

In the beginning, Yamaguchi figured he was just excited and his usual level or anxious whenever the two of them were together, no matter what the situation was. Morning walk to school? Sudden clammy palms and a quick stuttered speech whenever Tsukki’s face came within three inches. Class assignment? The overwhelming reassurance when Tsukishima would do the brunt of the presenting, knowing it wasn’t Yamaguci’s strong suit. Volleyball? There was a lot to unpack there. 

He tried not to be too deterred, but it was a difficult battle when each of his fellow peers were starters while Yamaguchi was lucky to play at all in a given week. Yamaguchi knew deep down it was for the best, that he didn’t have the _best_ height, or moves, or endurance, or face, or body type, or the best anything. But, what he _did_ somehow manage to get was a best friend who cares so much for him to an absurd amount sometimes. 

Whenever there was a practice or game, Tsukishima was a constant pole of support, no matter if he was on the other side of the net during a scrimmage or guarding the net when Yamaguchi was about to serve in a ball. Sometimes he didn’t even speak praise or give a thumbs up, just a feeling that Yamaguchi had after the fact. This is when he realizes his affection for his best friend ran a little deeper than most. It terrified him. 

Entering the gym wasn’t usually as anxious, but when you need to lay a map of your heart to your upperclassmen, it suddenly becomes just that. Gratefully, the remainder of the team wasn’t inside the gym, and especially Tsukki, who was speaking with a teacher about a matter he wouldn’t tell Yamaguchi about. 

Taking the first step, he didn’t realize the gym’s finish would ring against his shoe and make a scream so loud each of his seniors immediately whipped their heads around and halted conversation. _So much for subtle_ , Yamaguchi thought. 

No point in tip-toeing, he took initiative and walked about to the three, who were in the center of the gym grabbing and setting up the net. They didn’t look bothered with Yamaguchi and how he was fidgeting under their gazes, so… that was good at least. 

“Um, I wanted to ask you all a question?” 

“Well, you just did.” was followed by Daichi yelping in pain after Suga smacked square him in the stomach. “‘M! Sorry.”

At least the playfulness made Yamaguchi’s anxiety begin to shrivel up, though Asahi looked a little anxious himself, but that was also a part of his nature as well. 

Placing a hand on his shoulder and caring smile on his face, Suga moved the conversation forward. “What’s going on, Yamaguchi?”

“Well…” How should he word this? “How did you know Daichi liked you back?” His face felt hot like he’d been light on fire right then and there. Trying to backpedal, Yamaguchi apologized multiple times before getting told to calm down by an unbothered third year. 

“Honestly, I didn’t. I just knew I would feel worse down the line if I never said anything...By any chance is this about Tsukishima?”

Yamaguchi bowed his head, which was evidence enough to convict him of the accusation. 

Chucking, he ran his arm around Yamaguchi’s shoulders and started to walk. “You two keep setting up please while I talk to him?” Both nodded and got back to work while the advising third year led him to a bench that Tadashi was very familiar with. 

Outlooking, he leaned into Yamaguchi’s ear, the unexpected closeness making Yamaguchi twitch for only a moment. “I lied, I totally knew he was into me.”

  
“Wait, really?!” 

“Yeah, really.” He looked back to Daichi with a fondness in the eyes and cheek, smile coming as a habit. “Doesn’t mean I wasn’t terrified regardless. But what I said on the court still remains. I knew I would feel worse down the line if I never said anything. However,” he looked towards Yamaguchi with the same sternness of a mother. “I don’t know if your friend is head over heels for you, _but_ I have my theories. Just do whatever makes sense for you and everything will fall into place, kay.” 

Gripping the cold metal, he worries were almost quenched. “You really think so?”

  
  
Standing up, the silver-haired boy replied with “I know so”, smile still as bright as ever. 

Hugging him, he thanked him once more before seeing a familiar face entering the gym from the corner of his eye. Breaking the connection, he practically checked Tsukishima when he side-hugged him. “Tsukki! How’d your meeting go?” was followed up by a “...What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Yama. Nothing. How are you?” He tried to mask his expression, which confused Yamaguchi more than usual. 

“Determined now that I know I need to make Tsukki in a better mood!” He wrinkled his fingers for a moment, and the blond’s expression went into a playful panic, knowing that meant a tickle of the side was on the way.

  
  
“Yamaguchi!” was what he started with, trying to plead the other away while he ran for the opposite direction.

All Yamaguchi could do is break out into laughter and a smile as he knew that, yes, this is who he’d want to be with for centuries. 

###

Sleepovers were a staple for the duo, ever since they met up until now. Sometimes nothing noteworthy happened and other times they’d go deep and reveal a part of themselves the other didn’t know. If what Yamaguchi had planned was any indication, this wasn’t going to be a brush over subject.

Yamaguchi was going to confess his feelings one way or another, no matter which way it went, he was going to do it. And maybe it was wishful thinking, but perhaps Tsukki felt the same. 

Either way, the sleepover was going well, each setting into Tsukishima’s house and finishing up the butter garnish for the popcorn that was freshly made. 

Handing a plastic blue bowl over to Yamaguchi, his heart and mind began to race. _When should I do this? Is there a right time? Should I hold back? What if he confesses while I’m about to? What if Akiteru comes in-_

“Yama, you were spacing out again. You alright?” Tsukishima had taken his glasses off due to the steam the popcorn had made and Yamaguchi thought those golden eyelashes looked ethereal. 

“Yep! Let’s get this movie started.” They hadn’t figured out what movie they were going to watch, but it usually didn’t take them long to figure a selection out. 

Taking a step on the stairs, he knew that it was now or never, not wanting to take away from the movie or make the whole situation awkward. He could always leave now and avoid a tense sleepover.

Midway up the stairs, Yamaguchi stopped, hands gripping the bowl as a constant. “Hey, Tsukishima. I need to tell you something.” 

The respective pair of footsteps halted on the wood. “What’s wrong?” 

Yamaguchi never called his friend by his full name unless something was a worry to him. So it meant serious business. “I…. um…” 

Fuck, why was this so hard?

“I have some news too, if… that will ease you up if I go first?” 

Still not turned around, he nodded, feeling words were harder to come out.

“I’m going to accept Irene’s confession.”

There was a pause, a breath, then none. Yamaguchi let go of the bowl as the blow made him stagger. 

“Ah, Yama! What the hell?!” was all he heard before everything went still again. 

He thinks he issued an apology, blaming it on butterfingers. He might not have. Everything feels surreal. He thinks happy thoughts to try and calm down, but each one travels back to Tsukki, which travels back to what just transpired. 

Gripping the railing, Tsukishima takes care of Yamaguchi’s mess, like he always has to. _What a burden you are._

After a moment or minute, it’s all cleaned up and Tsukishima is back at the foot of the stairs. 

“We can share my popcorn since it should be big enough for us both. Are you okay though?” His voice is drenched in worry, which Yamaguchi tastes as pity, and it makes his stomach rot. It’s going to be a pain on his throat and eyes to keep the tears in until he goes home tomorrow. 

Even though it hurts, Yamaguchi smiles and turns with a probable reddened face and glossed eyes. “Yeah.”

###

The unspeakable duo dynamic has morphed and shifted into a whole entity that Yamaguchi can’t pinpoint with a single word. They still hang out together and to any passerby, they are still best friends. However, the hangouts get less frequent and sometimes get slashed by a phone call with a caller ID that makes Yamaguchi wrench with an instant stomach ache. Instead of their annual weekend sleepovers, Tsukki is always sleeping over _her_ house doing anybody’s guess. And even though Yamaguchi has other friends from school and the team to talk to and go out with, it's no secret to him or them. 

Tadashi Yamaguchi is yet again, alone. 

However, his mother won’t allow him to wallow in a self-pity blanket and rewatch his comfort show for the fifth time that week, but instead, ask Yachi if she’d want to do something. Unfortunately, she had nothing planned so off Yamaguchi went. It wasn’t that he didn't hang out with her, just that emotionally he didn’t want to do much of anything ever anymore. 

They settled on going to the center of town and just explore all the little shops it occupied. After a little bit, the two of them got into the groove and even bought some items from a few of the places. Yamaguchi could actually say he was enjoying himself. 

For a little bit at least. 

They were exiting a bookstore, where they both had purchased a new title from their favorite author when he could see it. Or rather him. Correction: them. 

On the opposite side of the street was a blond boy with one of the most beautiful girls that called this town home. Her dark brown hair complemented his lighter locks perfectly, and her hazel eyes were much prettier than Yamaguchi’s muddy ones, and she didn’t have any gross obscene freckles or acne scars to speak of or laugh at.  
  
Tsukki seemed happy. That’s good. Good for him to be smiling and laughing away, pulling her in closer when a puddle on the ground almost splashed her from a passing car’s tires. The joy in his eyes was only something he could achieve at one point, but that wasn’t the case anymore.

He got an even closer look at them when the two locked glances, Tsukishima’s expression slouching. The boy stopped moving, which made the other girl trip and almost completely fall down. They stopped in front of a chocolate shop, which his girlfriend was trying to drag Tsukki inside of. 

Suddenly he was feeling a pull of his own and his expression went to shock then realization, where Yachi wanted to find lunch somewhere before the lines got too long. After Yamaguchi got back into the flow of moving on his own and not stopping in the middle of a sidewalk, she let go. 

Swaying her bags in her hand, Yachi suggested they go to a little pizza parlor downtown, not knowing that the exact establishment was Tsukki’s favorite place in town. Even though it hurts, Yamaguchi smiled and tried his best to not remember the memory of the past or present of Tsukishima in the square.

###

Volleyball season was hard for Captain Yamaguchi, and it was practically unbearable since Tsukishima wasn’t his Co-Captain, instead, Kageyama took that position. Considering Tsukishima didn’t sign up for his third year, the news should have been expected. 

Because being a captain is so straining and time-consuming, they saw each other even less than before, which is an accomplishment. However, they did have a few classes and at least they got to see each other then. Granted they were all shared with his girlfriend so they never got to talk, but you take what you can get. 

Speaking of school, the decision day was creeping up and even though Yamaguchi had made Early Decision with his school, not everyone in his class had revealed where they were going to end up after high school. One being Tsukishima, who supposedly was down to two choices.

The university where Yamaguchi would be attending in the fall, or the one his girlfriend committed to. 

So when Yamaguchi and some other peers got invited to Tsukishima’s decision party, where he would showcase his school’s logo with pride, he couldn’t refuse. Surprisingly, some of the guests were the now third year volleyball members, which Yamaguchi chalked up to Akiteru’s persuasion. 

Entering the house with his carpool partner Yachi, his older brother took him into a chokehold and gritted his knuckles against Yamaguchi’s hair that he tried to put together for 30 minutes. 

“H-Hey!” he cried out, but with no malicious tone detected. 

“I just miss my little brother is all, haha.” Letting him go, he pulled him into a proper hug that Yamaguchi fell into. “How are you?”

“Good.” _I’m managing the best I can without him._ “How are you?” 

“Better now that you’re here! Kei was talking my ear off saying how nervous he was for y-” 

“‘Teru.”  
  
Letting go of the older Tsukishima showed that the youngest one was now there and staring. No girl hanging off his arm for a minute, which was a new look for him. Yamaguchi selfishly liked it. 

“Glad to see you made it, Yama.” His demeanor went more pleasant as Akiteru decided to stay silent. 

Yamaguchi moved to show Yachi, who was in the middle of texting someone behind him. Motioning his arm, he spoke with a hesitant giggle. “And Yachi came with me too.”

“Yeah. Yachi. Anyways…, you two can get situated while I have a little chat with my brother. _Akiteru.”_ He motioned for upstairs and the older brother waved goodbye before the two of them disappeared. 

Grabbing Yachi’s hand, he motioned for the rest of the group. “Ready to act really awkward for the next hour?” before not even trying to contain their laughter. 

\---

All situated, Yamaguchi was surprised when he got a tap on the shoulder. Rolling his head back against the couch’s top, made him even more shocked. “You need something?” 

“I need to talk to you. Alone.” 

Walking past all the guests, they went into the backyard, where the sky was glowing dim and the suspension was hot in the air. 

Rubbing his arm to get rid of the nerves, Yamaguchi looked at his friend who was closing the sliding door behind him. “...What’s going on?” 

“I need to talk to you.” 

“Yeah, you said that already.” He didn’t mean for it to sound so defensive, but he didn’t know what else to say. 

Approaching him, he stood and motioned for the porch’s steps. Yamaguchi took a seat and so did Tsukishima. Yamaguchi tucked his knees into his chest, while Tsukishima let his legs layout. Yamaguchi stayed silent while Tsukishima talked. 

“I thought it was unfair if I told you with everyone else, so I wanted to do it now.” Staring up at the dusk sky, Tadashi’s stomach tethered from side to side. “I’m not going to your school. It’s just that the other one has a better program and… are you okay?” 

Nodding all he responded with was a shy thumbs up and “Good.” _I’m managing the best I can without him, and I need to do better at hiding it._

Getting up to leave, Tsukishima grabbed his arm, making it so that he couldn’t leave no matter how much he wanted to at the moment. With eyes so desperate Yamaguchi thought it was like a reflection, he asked him a question Tadashi had been wondering to himself for a while now. “We’re still best friend’s right?” 

Even though it hurts, Yamaguchi smiled and tried to wrangle up all the fake positivity he had left. “Of course we are.” 

###

Hanging out during college break is different from getting together after a high school break. There’s no guarantee you all will be in the same town or even country in order to see the others. So it was lucky that all the first years could manage to find a date and place that accommodated everyone’s schedule. 

Taking off his scarf as soon as he got into the restaurant, he saw the rest of the group near the window. Walking on over, he realized a certain face was missing, but he couldn’t dwell too long on it, considering he needed to act like college has been the best thing since sliced bread to his present friends. 

  
All of them were doing well in their own respective ways. Yachi had reconnected with Kiyoko and the two of them would meet up for coffee tomorrow, which she was extremely anxious about in terms of Yachi levels of worry. Then there was Kageyama and Hinata who seemed to be making long-distance work, both snuggled against one another in the opposite booth. Tsukishima was radio silent, agreeing to come but his current whereabouts were a mystery. 

The two of them chalked up not talking to ‘college being too busy’ when both knew that probably wasn’t the whole case. Yamaguchi definitely didn’t stalk his girlfriend’s posts and internally crumble when his face was so pleasant in each and every post. No, Tsukishima was going great, according to everyone. 

After the initial shock of him not being here dissipated, Yamaguchi and the group fell into a comfortable dialogue. They were enjoying themselves so much that after eating they decided to go to Yachi’s house a few blocks down. 

While walking to the cars, Yamaguchi bumped into a tall blond who was gone by the time he turned to apologize. 

“Yamaguchi!! C’mon, Yachi said we can make an ice cream stop!” Hinata cried out, Kageyama trying to quiet down and shove into the back of the car. 

“Coming!!” And even though the pain of his shoulder being hit and the absence of the remaining friend were still present, Yamaguchi smiled. 

###

College has been an experience, with ups and downs. But most things are for Tadashi. He’s had both boyfriends and girlfriends but they don’t last for long, usually opting to just remain as friends. He’s going to be graduating soon and he’s excited to be able to quit his part-time job soon in favor of the full-time one he’s received. 

Tsukishima and he haven’t talked. He’s not even sure what he would say if they did. Instead, he just drifts in life and sweeps up the convenience store with another coworker manning the cash register. A familiar ringing can be heard, and Yamaguchi realizes his phone is still over and not in his pocket. Ducking from the aisle, he asks his coworker to see who it was. 

“Uh...It says ‘Tsukki’? Am I pronouncing that right?” 

Dropping the broom onto the floor, he raced over to see if 1. He had heard that correctly and 2. If he had, what did that mean? He was thankful no one was indoors beside them two or else he would have looked more like a loser than he usually did. 

Once he answered it on the last ring, there was a silence that made Yamaguchi’s heart both flutter and sink all at once, like a bird learning how to fly but scared of falling. _Maybe he miscalled me._

“ _Yamaguchi_ ? _Are you there_?” The sound of his voice was both too much and not enough, he wanted more but also wanted to push it away before it could do more damage than mending. 

“Y-Yeah.” He hated how desperate he sounded after not thinking of him for weeks. Now everything was flooding back and Yamaguchi suddenly felt his knees starting to collapse. He laid his back leaned against the counter as Tsukishima continued. 

“ _Yama, I need to ask you something_.” 

“Good or bad? Also, how are you??” He didn’t mention the timeframe it had been since they last talked, though it was a concerning amount since they were supposedly ‘the best of pals’ according to everyone and themselves. Yamaguchi hesitated and reconsidered saying the next part, but his heart has more power over his mouth than his head does. “I miss you.”

“ _Well, good news and bad news._ ” _He didn’t say it back. Why would he? Who would miss you Tadashi?_

‘Okay, bad news first!!’ _Let’s let the pessimistic part score another win._

“ _I know you hate attention, but would you be my best man?”_

That couldn’t be correct. The reception in this place was always crummy. He said best friend. That’s the only thing that would make sense. Yamaguchi’s heart ran faster and his mind was catching up in the relay. 

Clawing into the clear phone case, his mind became fuzzier by the second, “I’m already your best friend haha, no need to ask if I'm your best friend.”

There was a sigh on Tsukishima’s end, which made Yamaguchi’s breath falter for a moment. “ _I know you're my best friend. That’s why I'm asking you_ .” His tone went from serious to more bouncy, probably sensing Yamaguchi’s tension from cities away. “ _Come on if you say no I'm gonna have to ask Akiteru, no one wants that_.”

  
The situation was now settling in and feeling more and more real to Yamaguchi, who was still trying to find when the punchline came. _You’re the punchline. Your life has always_ been _the punchline._

“I'm going to assume the good news is that you’re getting married.”

“ _Look at you go, but seriously, I'm going to need an answer. Just wanted to tell you before I send invitations. Wanted you to hear it from me._ ” How could he say that so seriously? They hadn’t talked in months and the first time he does is to say that?

_Does he know I like_ _loved_ _him? Does he care even if he did?_

“Of course I'll be your best man! I’d do anything for you.” Soon after they hung up and before he even realized it, his coworker was looking at him with a worried expression. 

“Are you okay, Yamaguchi?” He asked before handing him a tissue underneath the register.

While grabbing it he realized how salty his mouth and skin felt due to the tears beginning to make their debut that had been festering for so long. 

Even though it pained him to act with a front, Yamaguchi smiled one that was so unconvincing it could be seen as a comical pursuit. “Just… so, happy. My best friend’s getting married after all!!”

###

Although he wasn’t getting married, Yamaguchi got praised and deemed the messenger to tell Tsukishima congratulations. Yamaguchi never sent them his way. Some messenger he was. Ironic he’s the best man when he’s not even a decent person. 

He had never been to a wedding before and in anticipation, he tried to watch as many wedding centered films and consume any other media about them. It was a bittersweet feeling, often leaving him in tears because the two _always_ ended up on top, with the best friend casted aside after the first fifteen minutes. You never get a spinoff about the best friend because, in the greater scheme of the picture, they were irrelevant. Nothing. Yamaguchi understood all too well. 

One time he stumbled upon a music video that really made him sob. Two best friends and a girl comes in between. The whole time the audience thinks he’s jealous of the boy for sweeping the girl away when in actuality his feelings were for the best friend the whole time. Yamaguchi doesn't watch that one and doesn’t want to think about that one as much. 

While with a college friend, they chose a movie that unexpectedly had a wedding placed at the end between childhood friends. Leaning over the couch, wrapped up in a blanket, she kicked her feet out in excitement and anticipation. “Aw, don’t you wish you had a childhood romance!”

“Yeah. I do…” _Sometimes I still do._

“Dude, smile! They’re about to tie the knot!” 

_Sometimes I still have hope._

Even though it hurts, Yamaguchi smiles. 

###

One last practice. One last rehearsal. Just one Yamaguchi waiting at the altar, front and center. 

Is it weird that he still can’t believe this is still happening? No matter how real and tangible the suit and reception is. The whole wedding process has been nothing to Yamaguchi, he’s being dragged along by the collar by the title that is ‘Best Man’.

Tsukishima appears at the foot of the walkway. His hair is a mess but in a way that also makes it look intentional. Yamaguchi always adored that look on him. 

It's hard to imagine that by this time tomorrow, he’ll be dancing in front of a hundred while Yamaguchi fades into obscurity, seen by none. Then again it’s what he does best. 

Kei continues to wander up, switching glasses for contacts, moving gracefully down the aisle.  
  
Yamaguchi takes a moment to indulge. All the fabric on the pews would be switched from a pure white to cream, the lights would be more orange than blue, the venue much more compact overall. Selfishly, he imagines himself in the partner’s shoes.

Tadashi would have gone first, only some attention on him before being shoved to Tsukki, then both of them helped the other share. Tsukishima’s vows would be straightforward and calculated, but still meaningful. As Yamaguchi’s eyes are getting more cloudy, he chuckles and confesses how he’s loved him from the first moment and will continue to until the very last. How they always say you have a soulmate for romance and for platonic, but that he’d lucked out by having the same special person for both. That for once Tadashi Yamaguchi has a happy ending. 

Tsukishima makes his way up the steps and onto the altar, while Yamaguchi takes a step towards him, ready to finally have his day. 

He slides down the altar a tad, only to realize he’s being pulled back. Looking over his shoulder is Akiteru, who has an undefined expression and tone. His grip on his suit is strong and says more than the words do. “You’re slipping, Yamaguchi.” 

Slipping from reality or the alter is up to interpretation. 

After grounding himself, he looks to see Tsukishima with his soon to be bride and he looks…

Happy. 

Content? 

Relieved? No, maybe not that.

Tsukishima is a complex creature that Yamaguchi’s research got cut off for. All in all, he looks like this is where he wants to be and be here with. 

Even though it hurts, Yamaguchi smiles. 

###

Yamaguchi doesn’t want to say he got _hammered_ at the hotel’s bar the day before the wedding, but he wouldn’t say he’s a decent amount sober. He just couldn’t refuse when each stinging sip felt better than the sting of holding back tears and regret. 

Turning on his light also turned on the ceiling fan that was placed above the bed, which he plopped down onto. He didn’t know where his tie was anymore and his suit was going to need a good wash, but there was no time. In a world where everyone tells you ‘ _there’s always time for anything!’_ , the pressure of it is suffocating. 

The spinning fan is hypnotic and lets Yamaguchi’s mind drift into different places and unlock doors that have been bolded shut for a decade or so.

_Maybe if you’d confessed earlier this could be your day, but instead you’re just the friend._

_Funny how you thought you’d be okay? You believe in yourself knowing who you are?_

_Those middle school bullies were right this whole time. Shocker._

_You’re not even second best. You’re not anything._

  
  


He lets the tears come and fall, grabs a pillow to stifle the sobs that involuntarily keep coming in differing waves and volumes. Tsukishima is still the same with that _damn_ smile, though the one who makes him that way isn’t Yamaguchi anymore. Maybe Kei smiled at Yamaguchi trying desperately hard, not being he liked Yamaguchi’s presence. He was just amused with his underdog story that never had a chance.

Maybe that’s the reason he saved him that day. He was bored. He constantly was with or without Yamaguchi, and now that Tadashi was indeed borning and a played out joke, what need did Tsukishima have with him? The look the bullies gave him so long ago, did Tsukishima give him the same glare, just hidden and tinted by a pretty complexion? 

And on the other side of the token, every time Yamaguchi has had the biggest and brightest grin was due to Tsukishima. Once he lets Tsukishima go for good, will it disappear? Does he even want it back with someone else being the cause for it?

Metaphorically, Yamaguchi lifts a champagne glass in the air to toast a proper send-off.

Today, maybe for the last time, Yamaguchi smiles. 

Even though it hurts, Yamaguchi tries to make it the best one and smiles.

###

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Yamaguchi’s smile is extinct.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> and thats the end !! 
> 
> while writing this, i couldn't help but think of how it would go with tsukishima's pov/ what he was going through, so def tell me if thats something you would want to see !!
> 
> regardless ty for reading :) @akutagi on twt


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